Advice On Giving Advice

by lkushner

posted on 07/13/2009

For some reason people LOVE 2nd opinions, but in this age of information gluttony, it is more likely to seek out 7th and 8th opinions. It is easier than ever to call, text, or e-mail a friend to chat about a conflict that may have otherwise been handled with a deep breath, a somewhat hasty confrontation, or a good cry in the bathroom. It is comforting to have unlimited access to a cyber-shoulder to cry on, but sometimes it is not easy to be on the receiving end of so many requests.

I love my friends and I love working through problems with them, this is how it usually goes down. I receive the perfunctory vent from the friend in need. This is about a 3-5 minute synopsis of the problem at hand, that has clearly been rehearsed. After fleshing everything out, and asking basic questions along the way, like "Is he an only child?" the meat of the conversation rears it's awkward head, "What do I do?" Here are a couple of tips for the advice giver.

1. Build 'em Up. Your friend is in need and they really need confidence to make a tough or not so tough decision. Your job is to make them feel good about their decision making ability. Remind them of a few very positive behaviors they have already engaged in. For instance, "It was so good that you already expressed your reluctance to work with Steve" or "John, that WAS a good idea to not sleep with her on your first date."

Sometimes the build up part is more difficult, meaning you haven't actually agreed with any decisions made by the advice seeker. This calls for drastic measures, compliment unrelated information, for example "It's a good thing his ex/parents live in California." Your goal is to put your friend at ease, and remind them that all environmental factors are not working against them.

2. Playing for the Devil. After building confidence, it is important to show your friend the other side. Especially in relationship/family issues, the advice giver can never just take the side of seeker. It's no fun and it's not what the friend really wants. It is hard to really put yourself in someone else's shoes and it's even harder to then consider all the shoes they have EVER worn. You need to tell your friend to consider the other party's personal history and while that's virtually impossible, it is important to try.

Throw out some options. Give a few, maybe 3 reasons why the conflict is presenting itself. This opens up the seeker's mind to other possibilities without it sounding as if you are taking sides. Most importantly, does the other party even know you feel this way. 90% of the time, there is a lack of communication. If a specific behavior is upsetting, let them know. If it is a personality flaw, reconsider how important it is to you and realize it may not be something you can change.

3. Don't Dig Yourself an Early Grave. As mentioned before, playing devil's advocate is important. It is also important because if you agree with the seeker and get ahead of yourself, you may end up insulting a family member or partner, and more often than not, this one conflict does not mean the end of the relationship (even if the advice seeker promises that this is IT!). You do not want advice to jeopardize your future friendship.

For instance, when ragging on a boyfriend, do not bring up the fact that he hit on one of your other friends at the beginning of their relationship. This will only lead to bad things.

Keep your cool, build confidence, never invest too much, at the end of the day, it's their decision. You're just the advice giver.

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