Advice On Verbal Disagreements: Argument Without Anger

by Gahojan

posted on 09/05/2009

"WHAT did you just say?"

When you're in a relationship, be it family, friend, or significant other, problems will arise from time to time. Usually (or hopefully, considering the alternatives), said problems will surface in the form of verbal disagreement. Verbal disagreement is fine, but when emotions and tensions start to run hot, the disagreement becomes what is more commonly referred to as "arguing." Once the arguing phase starts, what happens next can be critical -- arguments that spiral out of control, for whatever reason, can have devastating and lasting effects. Knowing how to present your opinions, ideas, and comments in a logical, calm, and friendly manner is key to maintaining any relationship, personal or otherwise. This is the focus of this article.

Rule 1: Don't Bite

Disagreements become arguments because one or both parties get angry or hostile, especially if someone comes to the table -looking- for a fight. The proverbial "it takes two" phrase applies here. If one stays calm, the chances of both staying calm, or the angry party relaxing, increase dramatically. This can be difficult if the second party is insulting, placing blame, or using offensive language, but if you can weather the storm without responding in a negative way, you'll find their anger fizzles out more often than not. Don't take the bait and respond in kind -- that's what causes the damage.

Rule 2: Avoid PAIN

Once the second party calms down, or if they were never angry in the first place, keeping the mood level is key to problem solving and avoiding further conflict. There are four types of language that should be avoided:

Personalization - Don't lay blame or place fault, ESPECIALLY on the person with whom you're disagreeing. Avoid the issue if possible, and if it must be discussed, be sure to fairly distribute causation to all involved -- especially yourself. Rarely is one person entirely at fault for a situation.

Aggression - Threats and explicatives are entirely unnecessary, even if the other person knows that's how you "usually talk." When the situation is tense, or has the potential to become tense, foul language or detailed descriptions of bodily harm will never help. Keep it professional, so to speak.

Intolerance - Keep your mind open. Don't flatly and curtly disagree with anything the other party says; sometimes, allowing a little "venting" can diffuse a bad situation. Ask direct questions if you need to clarify what they said, then offer your point of view. If you cannot believe or accept what they are saying, challenge or question it logically and without accusation or emotion.

Noise - Keep your tone level. When communicating, especially with children, -how- something is said is just as important as the message being conveyed. Raising your voice or taking an unprofessional tone can cause your message to be tuned out, misinterpreted, or rejected, regardless of your intentions.

Rule 3: Take Turns

One of the most frustrating things one person can do to another is intterrupt or override them, especially when they feel what they're saying is important. In a disagreement, both parties must be able to voice their concerns for the situation to be resolved. Don't interrupt the second party. If they interrupt you, wait for them to finish, then calmly ask to be allowed to finish your thought before they take their turn. The calmer you are, the more likely they will realize how helpful it is to be able to complete a sentence.

Every person, and every disagreement, is different. Some arguments can't be diffused by these rules, and some arguments are evidence of problems that are rooted in issues far deeper than the argument itself. With that said, these rules can help preserve relationships that could otherwise be jeopardized by bad attitudes and bad judgement.

Good luck, and may cool heads prevail always.



Arland Rininger is a husband, father, and volunteer high school debate coach. He is a retired Communications Specialist for the United States Army Reserves and former Communications Officer for a municipal police force.

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