Advice On Abusive Relationships

by wtotten

posted on 09/11/2009

The first time my partner physically abused me, I thought that I deserved it and it was my entire fault. It was always my fault or so I thought it was, at the time. He would always have some way of making me feel that way and so I ended up thinking I was unworthy more and more as time went by. Usually, I never really knew particularly what he was so angry about and I just accepted it. After all, I loved him, didn't I? It was me who caused him to hurt me and I was the one responsible, right?

At one point, our relationship got so destructive, that we would be arguing everyday. I remember when he threatened me with a rifle and I felt really afraid. A few years later, my life was threatened again, when he angrily told me, "Say goodbye to your son, because this is the last time you are going to see him." That night I really thought I was going to die. He was so very furious and in a rage. I even had a 9mm gun pointed to my head, but by that time, it didn't matter to me anymore, whether I lived or died. I just felt numb and I condoned his behavior.

I would feel so powerless and helpless. He was much stronger than me and overpowering, there was not much that I could do to fight back. I became so ashamed. Not only because it was embarrassing, but because I was ashamed of myself. I would become so nervous and afraid right before he got angry, because I knew what was coming. But what hurt more so, was the fact that he never seemed to be remorseful about abusing me.

He would call me names and be contemptuous. He would choke my neck until I literally passed out, grab, push, or punch me. One time, he punched me so hard in my stomach, several times, and it was extremely sore. I will never forget that incident. When he gets upset, he is like a totally different person and one that is hard to control. I never turned him into the police, though. I guess because I felt I caused it and I knew that this other angry person wasn't the real him.

A few years later, he got arrested for several crimes and had to go to jail for about 4 years. During that 4 years he did change for the better in some ways. Yet, when he punched me and choked my throat again, just recently, the memories seemed to come flooding back me. I couldn't believe that he had physically hurt me again and he never even told me he was sorry. But why should he, when it was my entire fault again, right? I recall him saying to me a lot of times, "Why do I do things to make him mad?" If I would only listen, be a good girl, and stay at home, everything would be alright between us, right?

Today, we are at a distance with each other and I feel that we are growing apart more and more. We act civil to each other, (most of the time) more so because of our two kids, but I honestly don't know if it's real love or just a convenience. I finally decided to leave him.

Did I deserve to be physically and verbally abused? NO. Did I do thing's that would make him angry? Yes. But no matter what, nobody deserves to be abused. They don't own you and they have no right to hurt you.

If you are in an abusive relationship, I suggest that you should seriously think about whether or not it is worth staying in. If you are only a young adult, you should definitely leave. You are too young and I guarantee you, that this is not the person you will end up marrying anyway.

These are some signs to tell if your partner may become abusive:

1. CONTROLLING: Telling you what you should do or what you shouldn't do. Criticizing
way you dress or look.
2. JEALOUSY: Getting angry because you talk to someone of the opposite sex. I recall
having to stare at the ground when I walked pass guys.
3. CRITICIZING: Putting you down, making you feel unworthy, or ridiculing you.
4. BAD-TEMPER: Is destructive, gets upset or becomes angry easily.

If you feel confused, hopeless or are afraid to leave I can understand that. For me, it wasn't that I was afraid to leave. I just didn't want to leave, because a part of me still loved him.

If you feel like you have nobody to talk to, you can always e-mail me at wtotten81796@yahoo.com and I will be more than happy to talk to you.

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